saseangel

It’s now getting warmer, high 80’s here in Northern California. It’s time to put away the winter jackets and the sweaters, for tee shirts, sleeveless tops. As I looked at myself in the mirror this morning I was disgusted. My arms were larger then it was a few months ago, my slacks are a lot more snug. That’s when reality hit me. I really am fat.

I’ve been hiding under hoodies, and long sleeve tops for so long. I haven’t looked in a full length mirror unless I work out - My gym is in the master bedroom. I’ve become so self conscious with how I look I wish I could hide under baggy clothes all year long.

As I packed my things for work I decided that I should walk on my lunch breaks, so I don’t sit in my cubicle and eat my Cup o’noodles. I actually put my plan into action. It was nice out. I was going to put my jacket on like an idiot, but I decided not too. It would be too hot. My walking partner was a fast one. I had a hard time keeping up with her and talking. But I liked the walk. My feet hurt because I haven’t walked in so long, and the shoes I wore is an old pair. ( i know that it won’t get stolen when I leave it at work - the cleaning crew loves to steal things from my desk) I felt bad when she said that the walk that we did was a slower pace for her. I swear my jogg will equal her power walk.

It still bothers me, that I hate the way I look. I hate the number on the scale. And I hate that I keep falling when I try to eat smaller portions and healthier choices. I don’t have my trainer no more, so I don’t have no one to push me to work hard on my workouts. I wish (still) that my hubby gave me the motivation and encouragement that I need to sweat thru a work out, and not leave my “gym” till I am sweaty and my muscles are fatigued. I wish that I had self motivation that is on 24/7. I need to take care of myself. Sometimes I wish I was single. Only because I didn’t have to worry about anyone else but me. Right now I put everything before myself.

I’ve been having a bad week and I’ve super stressed out, and not eatting as much (every 3 hours). Friday was gym day, and I decided to warm up with a jogg on the treadmil. I was feeling good. Then went training with Ryan. it was intense.. he make me do knee ups with a taller stool. *ugh* I wish I was taller LOL Then we went off to do some weights. I started to do a few then I told Ryan that I wasn’t feeling good. And I started blacking out and seeing stars. I he told me to sit and face him. I was feeling a little worse, so I told him that I wanted to go to my bag and eat something. (I had an apple in there) after one bite I felt better. We finished our work out and I went home, cause I felt nasty.

I feel pathetic. All this money for a trainer and I have nothing much to show for. I know that I am letting Ryan down, he told me that he very strict on how he works out. I need to be that way. *sigh* this is the second time I blacked out during a session.

It’s been a stressfull weekend. My hubby’s Grandmother passed away this past Saturday. She is in Hawaii, and we are in Cali. It was a hard decision for my Hubby to make, whether to fly home for the funeral. In the end I booked him a flight for this Thursday. It’s going to be hard for us financially. Being that he dipped into his savings for the plane ticket. I called my mom and told her about the situation and told her that we need money. She gave me the whole “you have to save, your dad and I already spent $1,000 when we went to look for your brother’s house (on another island. My parents are in Hawaii too) So he tells me that I need to save my over time money. Then she tells me that I should visit her. I told her that I don’t have money. She said that she will pay for my ticket. i don’t understand her sometimes.

Sooo, being the way things are, I checked my work email (I was home today) and we have voluntary over time all this week and on saturday for 6 hours. I will have to work my butt off the rest of the week. an hour a day, if I can 2. Then I will go in on saturday (being that I will have nothing else to do alone) This means that I will not have time to work out. I have school work too. Friday is my normal training. That I cannot flake on. After last week I wanted to get back on track. Maybe I can fit a little something into my nights. We’ll see

Oh for some randomness, we have these stop lights for the people that want to get on the free way. and when I’m in front, I always treat it as I am doing a quarter mile (I have preformance modifications on my car) so my light turns green and I floor it and my car growls yadda yadda yadda, as soon as I leave the “line” I am shifting like a mad woman… to my left this van passes me cause they dont’ have the light and then two cop cars speed by me too. I look at my speed it was 40 and climbing so I’m.. oh crap ok I have to be good. LMAO

ok that’s enough

I don’t know what it is. I don’t have it in me no more. I’ve lost all want to loose weight. It’s is easier to eat what ever is convient, and easy. With how my schedule is, it’s lucky if the hubby and I don’t eat anything that doesn’t say “Manwich” or “Hamburger helper”. As for my lunch, well I am tired of the same things. I know it made me feel better, but it’s just not making me happy as it had once upon a time. I’ve been feeling tired, wanting to just sleep the day away. I think it’s the stress. Balancing Homework, chores, spending time with the hubby, working out, and just finding time for me. I can feel it. It’s wearing me down.

I think there is another factor with me not having the will to lose weight: No support. I get the support from you all, but not at home. Sadly it’s true. When I ask the hubby if I look different, he says that he notices only when I work hard. There is no control on the junk food. He let’s me buy ice cream, cookies, and all that junk. I know as the food shopper, I should know better, but what happenes when there is a craving? There is no one there to tell me “walk away from the cookies!” *sigh* The hubby has no worries about weight gain. He is active. During his hour lunch he works out with this co-workers, and they do weights, and spar. He can eat what ever he wants, and it all goes to his big toe.

Today I went to the gym, and all I could hear was Ryan telling me that I need to work out more, and that what I’m doing [eatting 1200 cals and burining 2000 cals] is only helping me maintain my weight. He wants me to burn 22oo cals! UGH!!! We did measurements and I lost 2 lbs of fat, and gained muscle. I should be happy, but I’m not. My work out wasn’t too bad. I tried to make conversations with Ryan, but I just felt fake. My muscles don’t feel like it had a work out, and I flaked on Cardio [should have done it when I got home] but I ended up cleaning one of the bathrooms, and vacummed my work out room.

*sigh* I wonder how I will feel tomorrow. Maybe [if i get up early] I’ll go to the gym. I dunno. I feel like I need a Zoloft. I feel like crying.

Ok so yesterday was a balanced day with my eatting. I was pretty full. For dinner I had 3/4 cup multigrain spaghetti with meat sauce and 1/2 a bread with garlic and light butter (hubby ate the rest of my dinner) Then I had mmm 2 cups of ice cream. I felt fine, not overly stuffed, but satisfied. Then 3 hours later I was getting ready for bed and my tummy felt like it was hungry. I had that strange feeling right before your tummy growls, but mine didn’t growl. is that normal? And when I woke up this morning I wan’t hungry, it was like any normal day. Hmmm.

Gym today was pretty good.had my session with Ryan, and we worked on core. I am starting to like the little stool that he makes me do knee ups on, and now I am hating the plank pose. I finally can do it with my arms bent, but he decided to make me put my toes on a bosu (sp) ball and do leg ups. *makes mean face* But it was an enjoyable session. We talked more this time, and it made the work out less intense. He was teasing me cause I was sore and he was all “Aww but it’s sooore” punk LOL So anyway after the session I went straight home. I had no gym buddy today. But I promised myself that I should make an effort to do my cardio. So I punched out 30 mins of cardio on lvl 2 while watching Kate + eight. She was having a tummy tuck done. lol

Right now I am waiting for the hubby to go get us pizza for dinner. Yes pizza. I got myself a veggie pizza and the hubby had it made with wheat crust (he knows me well!) I am starving

Ok peepo I am done for today. Have a great weekend!!

I don’t like weekends. All my hard work during the week don’t matter cause I can’t say “NO” to the things that I shouldn’t be eatting! It’s sad. So today… after having a not so good eatting day, I am going to prep myself for a healthy day tomorrow… with what ever I have in the fridge and pantry. Right now I am boiling some eggs. Gonna take one for snack. I have to question what I can eat for breakfast… we just ran out of milk. I don’t want to go to starbucks. I might just have a muscle milk lite. This is what my day looks like so far:
7am Breakfast: Muscle Milk 16 cal
9 am snack: Bolied egg, grapes (if they are still good)
11:30 am Lunch:
1 pm Snack: 70 Cal yogurt
3:30 pm pre-work out snack: Apex PB crisp 160 cal

Wow that doesn’t look healthy. Sadly that is all that I have to work with. I have cans of tuna to feed me till 2012. But I don’t know what to do with it. lol

OK enough about food… I so didn’t want to do cardio today, my body is still sore and I had a lot to do. So I started washing clothes, took a couple bags of trash out, did the dishes. When I was done that I got my phone, a bottle water, next thing I know I am in my work out room. So I managed to do 30 mins watching my now fave show “Little people Big world” (I think that’s what it’s called) It was just odd how not thinking I went and did my cardio. Anyway I was going to do core, but my abs and back are sore still from Sunday. I have some muscle on both my arms that feel “itchy” and sore at the same time. I’m not sure if that is good or not.

I finally got my body bugg up and running. Paid for another 3 months. I’ll start using it tomorrow. I sorta miss it. LMAO I wonder if my batteries are charged.

Ok so Friday night was an interesting night, full of ironic things. The friday before v-day my gym partner put her keys and member card in a locker and she didn’t have a lock. We finish our session and someone had used her locker and locked her stuff in it. So the front desk pages that person and we get her things back. The front desk told us that there were people breaking in cars and there were people stealing things from the locker rooms and to be careful.

So anyway yesterday (Friday) as we leave we said bye to that same front desk lady and my friend says “I got my keys this time!” and then we stood on the side walk trying to figure out where I parked my car (I parked closer cause where I parked was scary to walk by myself) so I play with my panic button on my alarm and I find my car. I tell my friend who decided to walk with me “I should do that all the time so I scare people away.” So we part ways and I watch her walk between cars so I leave. Today at a B-day party that we went to, one of our friends told me that my gym friends car got broken into at the 24hr fitness parking lot last night. They stole everything, even her clinique makeup!!!! I was shocked. I told her (friend at the party) that I was there last night. I waited a min or two before I left.

So now I am afraid to stay longer at the gym. When we leave it’s dark out, and when I get there at about 4pm there is no parking at the front of the entrance. I may have to cancel my extra hours with my gym friend. The hubby don’t want me to stay late either. I don’t keep anything of value in my car. I have a Sub in my trunk, but everything else is stock. I know how it feels to have your car broken into. The last car I had was a beater car. But it got broken into twice for a 10.00 stereo. crack heads. So we moved and I sold it and got my current car.

I’m not used to how big Cali is. I was born and raised in Hawaii and it’s not as bad out there as it is here. It’s scary. People think I’m crazy that I carry pepper spray on my keychain. and a tazer in my pocket. It’s all about protection. I wish I was still in Tae Kwon Do so I could work more on my sparring. I was afraid to hit people, but while I was taking lessons I was matched up with a black belt and I was so timid. But my last sparring class I was able to get some good hits. I just asked my hubby if we can do some sparring tomorrow at the gym. It’s been too long. I want to be able to take care of myself in certian situations. I pray to God that he watches over me and keep me from harm.

Training went well yesterday. Did tons squats and lunges with Ryan. I feel like I’ve gotten better with endurance, and balance, and I really feel the difference on my upper body (shoulders and back) He is awesome! I was having a bad day and just being there with him and laughing made me feel better. Not to mention he is a hottie [1st place mens teen div & Novice Heavy Weight div in the INBF Capital City Natural Bodybuilding & Figure Championships ] Ok so after we did our session my gym buddy Jenn was there. It’s our Friday routine to work out for an hour. We did cardio for 20 mins. I was on the treadmill and decided to try and “run” and I managed to do my mile in 15 mins. 4.2 for 5 mins and walk for 5. it’s not to bad that I haven’t ran in about a year. The nice weather and the sun is staying up later means that soon I will be running with the hubby when he gets off work. YAY Ok to get back on track, we did free weights in the “big boy’s playground” after, played with the dip machine, and it was pooped.

I got home with a bad headache, meaning I didn’t have enough food/calories for the day. For dinner I had a lean pocket *drools* then I fell asleep on the couch at 9pm. The hubby told me to go to bed cause I wasn’t feeling good.

This morning I was excited to get on the scale. It’s been a week on my new journey and I was excited!!! I weight myself during the week and I didn’t like the numbers. But today the scale said that I was 154.0 lbs. YAY ME!!! Today my goal is to watch my eatting and work out sometime during the day with cardio. I really want to do this. And I have to be strict on my diet!!!! 

Ok so I have been frazzled for this whole week. I’ve been tired like I can hybernate. School is just getting irratating, I don’t know how much more BS I can write for my class. It’s going to be over in 2 weeks so I need to just hang on.

I have so much to do I don’t know where to start. Dishes, laundry, and taking care of the hubby. Last night I planned on working out hard, but as soon as I got home from the grocery store I washed a load of laundry, washed dishes, made dinner, spent time sitting next to the hubby while I worked on an assignment for 3 hours. Then I had to wash up and go to bed. I feel like there is just too much on my plate. I complain everyday that I want a maid that can do everything while I concentrate on me. Then the hubby says “Just tell me what to do then I’ll do it” I don’t want to have to tell him that the trash needs to be taken out… it’s there.. been there for 2 days. What does he do? Sit on the couch and plays his video games *UGH* I don’t know how our world will be like when he starts school.. next week *cries*

With all this fuss I got home today and I laid in bed thinking if I should take a well deserved nap, or to jump on the eliptical for 30 mins. I managed to get my booty to my work out room and worked out. The funny thing is that you have to force me to work out… then I won’t stop. That’s one thing I like about having a work out buddy. My hubby does not fit the requirements to be my work out buddy. Mr. eat all he wants and it goes to his big toe >.< he’s not all that… what’s the word… motivating. When I ask him if I look any different since I started working out he tells me “Only when you work out I can tell…” BLAH to him hee hee Don’t get me wrong I love him and all, but I need support. Hence why I’m here. I need a Jillian Michaels at home. I have all I need to get me in shape.

Anywho Work was just dragging. I was finishing up my claims and batching them when I snagged my finger on a stupid staple and it ripped a big ol hole in my finger. I just ran out of my Hello Kitty bandaids, but my neighbor had a first aid kit.

I am having a hard time finding things to eat during the day. I usually start my day with a med non fat mocha and a bad for you criossant. The rest of my day consist of snacks every 3 hours: string cheese, bananna, and Apex bar. For lunch I have a Muscle Milk Lite. There are days (like today) when I feel like I’m starving at about 1pm. And it didn’t help me that I could smell doughnuts and popcorn today!!! I need help refining my diet while keeping my target calorie intake of 1200. I try to save my calories for dinner. Anyone has any suggestions?